I don't want to know
by Readergirl24
Summary: "He kissed me, Matt. And I liked it. I really, really liked it." Pudd, rated T for kissing (spoiler alert?) and general pudd angst stuff :) enjoy! xx


Disclaimer: I dont own McBusted :\

"Hey, Doug!" That was just about all I heard before I was tackled to the floor- thank God we were in a dressing room that had a soft carpet.

Looking up, I saw one of my best mates, and fellow band mate- otherwise known as Harry Judd. He was grinning at me, inconveniently sitting on my crotch.

I attempted to sit up, only to be pushed back down by his ridiculously muscled arms. I sighed, laying my head back on the indigo floor. "Get off." I mumbled, the tiredness from the day's events kicking in.

He chuckled, rough hands holding my wrists down. As much as I loved him- as a brother, of course-, he really got on my nerves sometimes. The mentioned man looked up as Tom approached us with his camera, taking a picture which would undoubtedly go on some social media.

I tried-and failed- to push Harry off of me. "Now the whole world is going to think we're gay." I said bitterly, brushing a loose bit of blond hair out of my face. "Again." He added, smiling down at me.

Matt laughed, apparently having listened in to our conversation. Tom giggled, before stating: "Pudd is real, guys." He then walked out the room, beckoning Matt to follow him.

I raised an eyebrow at Harry, who showed no sign of letting me go. "You ever plan on getting off me?" He gave me a look. "Only if you agree to sing in the next gig we have."

Oh, of course. So, the thing is, Harry and the other guys have an obsession with my voice. I'm not even joking- they literally force me to sing on the track records. Me? I hate it; I'm a bassist, not a singer.

Anyway, I've refused to use my vocals on my own in our next concert- that's tonight, by the way. What? My throats sore, and I have a seriously hard bass line to play in that piece- there's no way I can sing as well.

I shook my head profusely. "No. No way." He smirked, cocking his head to one side. "I'll kiss you if you don't."

Bastard. He knows I hate being kissed by another guy...I'm just not gay, okay? "No! No, Harry, please." A smile formed on his lips, before he was leaning in slowly.

"No! Harry this is totally, ridiculously unfair, and I-" I stopped when I felt his cool, soft lips touch my cheek. A chill went through my body, and I closed my eyes, accidentally loving the feel.

I felt calm, and like I was okay. All my worries, all the niggling thoughts in my head, they just melted into the kiss.

My mouth went dry, blood rushing to...well, where I really didn't want it to. Wait, what? I couldn't be...no. But it was so-so nice, so beautifully nice. His lips on my skin, making me peaceful, making me like it, and I shouldn't like it, and it was very bad if I did like it, and...shit.

Damn him. I clenched my fists, silently hating myself. I wasn't gay! Why the hell did I like his kiss? No, you know what? I didn't. I totally, totally didn't.

I hurriedly pushed him off me, jumping up and backing away. "What was that? You shouldn't of done that, you know." He looked at me oddly.

"Doug, calm down. I was just joking, yeah?" I nodded, before basically running out the room, leaving Harry to wonder what the hell he'd done wrong.

I sunk to the floor outside, pulling on my hair, biting my lip till it bled. My whole life, I'd been straight. And then today, now, he'd kissed me. And he'd done it before.

He'd done it in the band house, to wake me up. He'd done it on stage, half for the fans, half for his own guilty pleasure. And he did it when we were on the tour bus, in the dressing room, in rehearsals. Anywhere.

But it had never done anything to me. Of course, maybe, deep down, I'd liked it. I'd felt something stir, some buried love that was covered the moment I realised what it was to fancy someone.

Why today? Why now? I didn't understand. I didn't get it.

Someone sat down beside me. Tearing my hands away from my eyes, I looked up, a lone tear dripping down my face. It was Matt.

He smiled gently at me, before pulling me into a hug. I leant into his shoulder, staring into the distance. "He kissed me, Matt. And I liked it. I really, really liked it."

Matt turned to look at me. "He kissed you?" I nodded slowly. "Yeah. But I enjoyed it. I liked it, I found it nice, even though I'm not fucking gay! There's something seriously messed up here, man."

He looked down at the ground, smiling. "Listen, Doug." He looked back up at me. "Sometimes, we just...we have bonds with people. And sometimes, those bonds cause us to feel a certain way. It doesn't mean you're gay. But you've known Harry for more than ten years.

"And you're grown up now. Don't you think that maybe, after over ten years of having such a close relationship with the guy, you feel some attraction to him?"

I didn't know how to answer. Burying my head into Matt's chest, I whispered; "I don't know. I don't want to feel it. I don't want to." He rubbed my back, resting his chin on my mop of hair.

"We never do. But, Doug, running away from our feelings isn't the answer. You know that." I started to cry again, my tears making Matt's leather jacket damp. "Yeah. But I- why me? Why don't you get some response when I kiss you, or when...I dunno, Danny does?"

He laughed, shaking his head. "You're just my friends. You've always had a special bond with Harry...maybe you feel something that's more than friendship, you just don't know it."

Crap. I felt like screaming out all the possible swear words invented, like tearing down the walls, like throwing a bucket of water over my head. Anything, anything just to get rid of this nervous, dreaded feeling building up inside me. "Matt, do I love him? Like..." I looked into his eyes, needing to get a straight answer. "Like, more than as a brother?"

He put his hands on my shoulders. "Dougie, only you can decide that. But, when you do find out, you're going to have to do something about it."

He got up, patting me on the back before walking towards our dressing room. Love, love, love. Damn love. I wasn't in love with Harry. Maybe I was. I don't know. No, no I wasn't. I loved Ellie, okay? I don't love Harry. And if I do, then I don't want to know.


End file.
